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Allow the sand to slip away

I feel like I am standing at a beach with a fist full of sand. I held the sand firm enough not to let it go. I stood there questioning a lot of things at once. “What if I will never feel his way again?” , “Is it okay to be vulnerable?”, “Am I too much?”, “Does someone’s choice of not loving you makes you unlovable?” and the most subtle one, “ Who, what, where am I? What do I want?” I blankly stared at the ocean waves, coming back and forth, bringing and taking away something or the other every time. Our memories are the same waves. Aren’t they? They come to us, bringing both the grief and the sukoon (relief) we experienced in those good times. They take away the consolation we gave ourselves about how okay we are even though things are not the same anymore. But it will always be this way. As I stood by the waves, I tried getting a firm grip on the sand, but every time the waves hit, the sand under my feet was washed away. In those instances, I realized how things would not stay the way they are just because you want them to. I walked a few steps into the water, still holding the sand tight. I started to introspect that there would be times when I would feel my world upside down, I would see people close to me walk away, I would see how I almost had a job I wanted to do but couldn’t, and that will be okay. I will curl up in bed lamenting the bad for weeks or months, but life goes on. In time, new waves will hit me, and I will have to hold.

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